Struggling to Make Friends? You Might Be Sending the Wrong Signal
Are You Actually Open?
Openness, or the absence of it, is one of those things that can quietly shape our whole experience of connection — even when we’re not aware of it.
You might want more friendship, more ease, more mutuality. But if things feel stuck or aren’t clicking, it’s worth asking:
Are you actually open to connection?
What is Openness?
Openness can mean a lot of things: accessibility, availability, a lack of restriction. In psychology, it’s one of the Big Five personality traits — associated with imagination, creativity, and a willingness to explore.
I’m not talking about openness as a personality trait exactly, but a relational quality — a kind of social energy, a signal.
It’s how you show up:
Your tone of voice. Your posture. Your facial expression.
Your level of engagement. Your willingness to be seen.
Openness says: “I’m here. I’m safe. Welcome.”
Or: “Not now. Not interested. Keep your distance.”
You don’t have to say a word — people can feel it.
What Does Openness Look Like?
If you're unsure where you stand, here are some questions to explore:
1. Are you open to connection?
What kind of energy are you bringing into social spaces?
Is your body open or closed? Arms crossed? Avoiding eye contact?
Are you present and engaged, or distracted and looking at your phone?
You don’t have to force it (but, seriously, put your phone away). Start with being honest about how you’re showing up and curious about what’s behind it.
Are you signaling kindness, curiosity, and warmth or guardedness, detachment, and judgment?
Tip: Loosen Up
Taking five minutes to get out of your head and into your body before a social engagement can make a big difference in how you show up. Put on a favorite song that gets you pumped up and dance, shake it out, make noise, whoop and holler. Take up space, get freaky, have fun. If you can’t let loose in your own company, you’re going to have a tough time letting down your walls with others.
2. Are you open to relationship?
Do you make time for connection, or do you cancel plans because your plate is too full and your social life is the first thing on the chopping block?
Do you lead with busy? Are you too maxed out to be available?
I get it. Life is busy, especially if you’re juggling a career, caretaking, or both. Even if you’re not, life in 2025 takes a lot of spoons. But here’s a hard truth: if you want better relationships, you need to be willing to prioritize them.
Tip: Check Your Priorities and Subtract
Consider the idea of crowding out. Where does social connection currently fall on your priority list relative to other areas? Consider making it a big(ger) rock for a while and see what happens. Are there things you could let go of or do less? (Doom scrolling? Streaming? Overworking?)
A way to think about priorities: the big rocks are what matters most; the gravel is what’s important but secondary; sand fills in the rest of the space. Get your big rocks in first.
3. Are you open to experience?
Do you say no reflexively?
Do you brush off invitations, ignore texts, ghost people – with or without meaning to?
Sometimes “no” is just reality, or it aligns with what you really want. Sometimes it’s wonky priorities, habitual, or avoidance. When no is your default, people will get the hint.
Tip: Be a Yes Friend.
I heard this term from Priya Parker. She and her husband, Anand Giridharadas, use this to refer to the friend who’s always (or often) down. Next time you want to say no (explicitly or energetically), say yes instead. Then say yes again the next time. Check out Shonda Rhimes’ book Year of Yes for inspiration.
4. Are you emotionally open?
Are you letting yourself be known beyond surface-level conversation?
Can you let people see more than your curated, composed self?
We don’t need to live in the deep end all the time. But if you never dip beneath the surface, it’s hard to feel truly known — or satisfied.
Tip: Take a Risk
Vulnerability is about risk, not about specific topics. It’s opening yourself up to be seen and known more deeply. So, let it be small and in proportion to the relationship stage you’re in and your capacity, but give it a shot.
A Note on Discernment
The invitation in all of this is not to force yourself wide open. That’s not reality, it’s probably not authentic, and it’s not sustainable. The idea is to begin bringing awareness, intention, and choice to this area and notice what happens.
Our access to openness has roots in personality, temperament, life experience, social context, circumstance, and mindset, among other things. It is a spectrum and varies from person to person, and even moment to moment. Some of us are naturally more reserved and slower to warm up. Some of us are rightfully more guarded. (This recent piece by Dr. Sahar Martinez feels pertinent here.)
So, be discerning.
Especially if you’re socially sensitive, have particularly limited social bandwidth, or your life experience has given you reason to be more wary of others. Start by being thoughtful and strategic about where you go and who you associate with, so you spend your social energy wisely, and openness is less of a lift.
You can also ask:
Where, and with whom, might it feel safe to open even 1% more?
When It’s a No
Maybe you're in a period of you’re life where you’re not open.
That’s okay! It’s information. Let yourself off the hook. Come back when you’re ready.
And if the idea of openness feels fundamentally unsafe or inaccessible to you — that’s valid. It might be time to talk to a therapist or find a space where safety and connection are available.
Tip: Find a Group or Community
I find that more formal, structured, or intentional groups with experienced and trusted facilitators can be a great place to start. Look into group therapy, support groups, affinity groups, or faith communities.
Final Thoughts
Openness is fluid. It can shift with your context, your capacity, your circumstances. It’s not about becoming someone else — it’s about noticing how you're showing up, and experimenting with stretching yourself in ways that are aligned with what you want for yourself and your life.
If you feel more closed off right now, that’s okay. Start there.
Then gently ask:
What might it look like to warm up just a little?
To be a bit more present? A bit more generous with your energy?
You don’t need to perform connection.
You just need to stop armoring against it.
A little softness goes a long way.
🌿 Ready to go deeper?
If you’re craving real connection but feel stuck in old patterns — I can help.
Through 1:1 coaching, we’ll explore what’s getting in the way of the friendships and community you want, and create strategic shifts so you can start showing up more openly, more confidently, and more like yourself.
Let’s start with a free 30-minute call to see if it’s a good fit.