Scared to Host? Why Gathering Matters (and How to Make It Way Less Intimidating)
We’re heading into a season of parties, celebrations, and togetherness. For some people, this is energizing. For others, simply being a guest is stressful — and hosting feels unthinkable.
In my work, I hear a version of this belief all the time:
“Some people are hosts. I’m not one of them.”
It often traces back to a single painful moment — a gathering no one came to, a birthday party that fell flat, an invitation that went unanswered. One event becomes a narrative, and the narrative becomes an identity.
“I’m not someone people show up for.”
We don’t want to risk rejection or failure, so we settle into being a guest. And to be clear — the world needs enthusiastic guests. But when we dig beneath the surface, what people often want is something different:
to feel capable of gathering others
to feel like someone people say yes to
to create a life where connection doesn’t just happen to them, but because of them
Avoidance, in general, feels safer and more comfortable. If you never try, you never risk anything. But it also makes for a very small life.
The thing about doing what scares you is:
It pushes against your limitations and opens the door to more freedom and vitality.
Why Gathering Matters
Only 4.1% of American households hosted or attended a gathering on the typical weekend or holiday in 2023. Yikes. I get it — there are lots of barriers to hosting and showing up. But this is dismal.
Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering, recently launched a Substack called Group Life, where she argues that our group skills have atrophied and aims to support us in hosting and gathering well. We’ve poured endless energy into self-help and lost sight of the collective. Too much “I,” not enough “we.”
And it shows.
We’re lonely.
We’re siloed.
We’re burning out under the myth of self-sufficiency in a time when we need connection more than ever.
Parker calls gathering a civic skill — a muscle that helps us practice belonging, interdependence, and being held by something larger than our individual lives. It’s also an act of resistance — politically, but also culturally against the forces that pull at and fray our social fabric and lead us deeper into disconnection, isolation, and loneliness.
Which brings me back to hosting.
And the fact that so many people are absolutely terrified of it.
The Fear Most People Won’t Admit Out Loud and How to Work With It
Hosting anxiety rarely comes from logistics, recipes, or what your home looks like – not actually.
Those are the distractions. The real fear is usually about conflating outcome with worth.
What if nobody comes?
What if it’s awkward?
What if I’m a terrible host?
What if it’s awful?
What if mixing friend groups is a disaster?
Etcetera. Hosting is vulnerable. You’re taking risks by opening yourself and your home. That alone can feel like too much.
But here’s the invitation:
Don’t make it about you.
Don’t give power to whatever story you’re tempted to attach to the outcome.
The win is in the action. If you’re scared and you do it anyway, you win.
That said, you don’t want it to suck.
So — start with your why.
Do you want to celebrate? Mark a moment? Add more joy and connection to your life?
Once you know why you’re gathering, ask yourself:
How do I want this to feel?
Then work backward from that feeling to design the kind of experience you would want to be part of.
And take ownership. Captain the ship.
As Priya Parker says: “Don’t be a chill host.”
Don’t let this responsibility intimidate you, though — some foresight and gentle structure can do a lot of heavy lifting here.
Create a good playlist.
Have a few conversation sparks in your back pocket.
And take it upon yourself to help your guests connect with each other.
Let your goal be ‘good enough’instead of striving for perfection. Welcome awkward moments. Go into the experience with an attitude of curiosity, experimentation, and play. Have some fun.
You Don’t Have to Be “A Host” to Host
It’s easy to believe that hosting is something some people are naturals at, and the rest of us are not. We think of the gregarious, charming, and generous extrovert who can show everybody a great time and make the whole thing seem effortless. But actually, introverts are also known to be great gatherers because they create experiences they want to attend — thoughtful, nuanced, and with just the right amount of structure.
The point:
Being a host is not an inborn trait or an identity. It’s a skill and a choice. Ultimately, hosting is a verb, not a noun. It can be learned, repeated, practiced, and adapted to your personality and capacity.
How to Ease In: Make It Easy
If hosting feels terrifying, your first attempts should be as low-lift as possible. Think “accessible reps,” not performance.
1. Keep it small.
Invite two or three or four people. Call it a micro-gathering if that helps you take the pressure off.
2. Keep it simple.
Soup. Pizza. Chili. Potluck. Tea. Or say, “Bring some snacks to share. It’s going to be super casual.”
Use compostable plates. Say yes when people help clean up. Include an end time.
3. Keep it cheap.
Challenge yourself to keep it as low-cost as possible — bonus points for free. Setting constraints like cost can force creativity and make the whole experience more meaningful and fun.
4. Give it Structure
Unstructured hangs can feel stressful. Add a frame like a craft, game, or movie night. Some light structure takes pressure off you and your guests.
5. Name the vulnerability.
With one or two people you feel close to, try:
“Hey — I’m hosting something small and stretching myself a bit. I’d love for you to come.”
People tend to respond to honesty, and it can be helpful to let somebody in on your experience.
6. Enlist support.
A co-host lowers the pressure. Ask your partner to take the kids out — or make it kid-friendly. Have a hype friend who will show up early.
Bonus — Rinse and repeat.
Hosting becomes easier when it becomes less of a production and more of a rhythm.
Monthly soup night
Second-Sunday crafternoon
Friday supper club
Quarterly ragers
The options are endless, and you can choose what you want to offer and how often. The point is that many people try once, feel awkward, and bail. Repetition builds confidence, skill, and most importantly, connection.
Lowkey Events You Could Host This Season
Crafternoon
Friendsgiving
Soup Night
Game Night
Afternoon tea
Knitting circle
Holiday Movie Salon
Neighborhood Cookie Swap
Puzzle Night
Book swap
Potluck
Sledding party
Pick something you already enjoy and invite people to join you.
Gathering Is How We Find Our Way Back to Each Other
Hosting is not about impressing. It’s about being available. It’s about creating space for connection in a world that’s pushing us toward isolation and performance.
Every time you invite, you’re creating an experience — an opportunity to join together in a temporary alternative universe, as Priya Parker says.
And that’s not small. That’s meaningful, grounding, and — in this moment — a bit radical.
If you’re scared to host, good. It means you’re close to something meaningful.
Start small. Start simple. Start with soup. Just start.
In summary, we need more parties in the USA.
If you’re feeling the call to host but you can’t get past the sticking points, let’s unravel what’s holding you back and get you moving.