Two Easy(ish) Strategies to Focus on if You’re Struggling to Make New Friends.
The thing about "making friends" is that it's both incredibly natural (we're literally wired for connection) and a surprisingly tall order.
Researcher Jeffrey Hall found it takes about 50 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend, and roughly 200 hours to develop a close friendship. Another rule of thumb suggests 11 encounters of about three hours each over six months.
Either way, we’re talking about sustained, intentional time together. That’s hard to come by for most adults these days.
And here's where it gets tricky: when there's a gap between the connection we want and what we have, our bodies can register this as a threat. When we don't feel secure in connection, we're more vulnerable to stress, loneliness, and perceived rejection. Irritation, anxiety, or cynicism can take over – fueling a negativity bias that makes neutral or even positive interactions feel threatening.
The result? Withdrawal, awkwardness, cynicism, isolation. Loneliness becomes self-sustaining. The very thing we need — connection — starts to feel impossible.
Here are a couple of practical ways to offset these challenges.
Strategy #1: Shift Your Focus From "Making Friends" to Finding Daily Connection
Instead of aiming straight for the big prize — new friends! — focus on weaving small connections into everyday life. These are low-stakes, low-pressure ways to build social muscle and fill your cup:
Offer friendly greetings. Smile at a neighbor, wave, or say hello to people you pass on the street.
Spot common ground out loud. “Your kid looks about the same age as mine — are you also in the dinosaur obsession phase?” “I love that author – have you read their other work?”
Notice details as conversation openers. A garden, an outfit, a design choice. “These flowers are gorgeous — did you design your garden yourself?”
Use people’s names. Your barista, the mail carrier, the front desk staff. It turns routine exchanges into small bonds.
Chit-chat without pressure. Small talk isn’t meaningless; it’s how we orient to people and build trust. Research shows it can lift mood and ease loneliness. Try welcoming the dreaded small talk — it might open the door to deeper connection later.
Connect with nature. Notice the beauty of the tree on your street, the fox in your neighborhood, the way sunlight hits your window. Presence is the foundation of connection, and connection with nature or place primes you for connection with people.
If these seem trivial, they’re not. But also — that’s the point. You’re looking for low-hanging fruit to lower the pressure, give you needed social engagement, and — especially if you’re rusty or anxious — build your capacity for more connection. And when you show up in the world, without hiding behind your phone or headphones, you signal openness to others.
A few recent examples from my own life:
The other day, I stumbled on a neighbor’s pop-up farm stand. Five minutes, muffins, and a friendly chat later, I felt more rooted in my neighborhood.
Some months ago, while wrangling my dog and chasing my toddler (who was tearing down the street, screaming and waving her arms), a mom with a stroller stopped to laugh with me about the chaos. We chatted for a few minutes, and later bumped into each other again — this time exchanging numbers.
Sometimes I see a fox that lives in my neighborhood. It feels like winning a little lottery every time.
When you show up with warmth and openness — without expectation — connections happen. Aim for one meaningful connection a day.
Strategy #2: Tend to Your State
Your internal state — your energy, presence, and emotional clarity — directly impacts how you show up. When you're stressed, distracted, or carrying unprocessed emotions, authentic connection is harder to access.
This isn't about ignoring reality or 'thinking positive.' It’s about influencing what is in your control, and creating conditions that help you show up with more capacity and resilience. Here are some practices to start with:
Practice emotional hygiene. Just as you maintain physical health through daily habits, emotional hygiene involves regularly tending to your psychological well-being. A simple foundational practice is to notice and name your emotions as they arise. Emotional hygiene is a big topic — we’ll explore it further in another post.
Use breath to find calm. Try the physiological sigh before social interactions or when you notice tension building. Inhale fully through your nose, take another sip of air at the top, then exhale fully through your mouth. Repeat 3-5 times.
Feel your feelings — really feel them. Emotions last about 90 seconds in the body if we drop the story and feel into the sensation in our body. What most of us do instead is avoid or suppress feelings, which perpetuates and amplifies them. Over time, this creates a backlog of unprocessed stress that can show up as emotional static in your interactions.
Do something that connects you to yourself. Listen to a favorite song, spend time with a pet, have a spontaneous dance break, or go for a run. Anything that helps you feel like you again becomes a positive energy source.
Create your optimal conditions. Notice when you feel most like yourself and write down what supports that state: enough sleep, morning light, regular meals, movement. Focus on things within your control. Prioritize these basics — they form the foundation for showing up authentically with others.
Start Small, But Start
If you've been struggling with friendship, take the pressure off. Notice and appreciate the connections you already have — your cat, your sibling, your barista, that one beautiful tree on your street.
This isn't about settling for less. It's about creating the conditions where meaningful friendships can take root – accepting the present moment, making the most of what's available right now, and priming your system to be open when opportunities arise.
Over time, small practices build capacity, opportunity, and readiness for deeper connection.
So start here: genuinely smile and say hello to one person today. Then notice how your body responds. Did you feel lighter? More open? More at ease?
These tiny reps matter. They’re how loneliness loosens, and how real, steady friendships begin.
I'd love to hear how it goes — what small connections surprised you this week?